Week 11: Ruminations on Composition

As I mentioned last week, things have been going well for me in my composition efforts. I thought I would elaborate this week. First, some history.

(My Fulbright picture from the University of Cincinnati announcement.)

When I began my masters degree in composition in September 2007, I had never taken formal composition lessons. I had worked with a composer, Darwin Wolford, during my bachelor's degree (2002-5), but I never showed him my compositions. We mostly studied the works of the masters and discussed why they were great. We also spent a good deal of time dissecting pieces that he thought were poorly written and discussing why. I certainly learned a great deal, but my first experience showing a composer some of my own compositions and getting comments, was during my first week of graduate school. I spent most of my time during my undergraduate years working on performance in the fields of solo/chamber piano, voice, double bass, conducting (choral/orchestral). Between my graduation in August 2005 and the beginning of my graduate studies in September 2007, I taught theory and ear training at Brigham Young University-Idaho and built my composition portfolio.

At the first weekly composition symposium I attended at CCM, Dr. Hoffman, the head of the composition department, asked us each to answer 2 questions. First, why do you compose? Second, for whom do you compose. The 25 of us sat in a circle and took turns going around and answering these questions. We could not leave until we were sure that we understood our own answers and were convinced that each other composer believed theirs. This was a difficult but very thought provoking exercise. I don't remember being convinced at my answers. Since that time, I have not stopped asking myself these questions. At the end of each sacred Cantata of J.S. Bach, he wrote three letters, SDG, "Soli Deo Gloria" ("To the Glory of God alone). At the end of his life, Johannes Brahms gave an interview and said that before he began to compose a new piece, he would ask himself, "Where have I come from? Why am I here? Where am I going after this life?" This is very interesting to me.

I finished my masters in June of 2009 and began my doctorate in September of the same year. But June of 2011, I had finished all of my course work and exams for the DMA (Doctorate of Musica Arts, which is a Ph.D. equivalent) in composition. I found being a young-ish American composer in graduate school to be very difficult. I wanted to write music that I would find pleasing and fulfill my own musical needs, but it seemed more important to write what would help me to secure a job in the future. I began writing to gain the recognition of my teachers and to be able to do well in competitions and festivals. I also wanted to develop my own voice, and though I tried to do this, my pieces seemed always to bend towards what I though would be best in securing my future rather than establishing an artistic identity. I've tried to do both at the same time, but I'm not sure that I've succeeded. Now, the practical side of me is saying, "well, you have to have a job to support your wife and 3 kids, so write what will win competitions and get you grants." But, the artistic side of me is saying, "I have all these different pieces, and some of them have won me awards, grants, and festival spots, (not to mention the Fulbright) but there doesn't seem to be a consistent voice being developed. Why am I writing music again? Is it just to slog out another piece so I can beef up my portfolio and resume? If I'm going to put myself through the extreme difficulty of writing convincing contemporary classical music that fulfills my needs and makes what I consider to be a meaningful addition to the repertoire, why not focus on the kind of music that means the most to me? Otherwise, I might as well slog along at some other profession that makes more money with far fewer hours required?"

I have been very fortunate over the past two and a half months to be studying composition with Paweł Łukaszewski. I have worked with great teachers at CCM and at various festivals and feel blessed to have learned all that I have from them. But, there is something different about studying with Paweł. We have been discussing these very topics, what is my sound? what kind of composer am I? what kind of music do I want to write for the next 30+ years? Paweł is a great composer and he is totally dedicated to the creation of great sacred music. For as long as I can remember, though this is not my only interest, I have wanted to make or be a part of beautiful and moving sacred music--the deeply spiritual kind like Victoria, Palestrina, Lotti, Byrd, Bach, Bruckner, Poulenc, MacMillan, Rutter, Lauridsen, Łukaszewski. For some reason, most of the composers in US and Polish academia (and perhaps elsewhere) do not consider the choral music of these composers as very important or interesting. However, people like Paweł have their music performed far more than their colleagues (I starting to realize that the choices of conductors, generally, speak louder than the opinion of composers). It has been really great to study with someone that has a similar interest and is a master in his field. More than anything, I have been learning from our discussion the answers to the questions that Dr. Hoffman asked us 4 years ago. I don't think I can put it all into definitive words and sentences yet, but I'm getting much closer. Paweł is very persistent in his belief that there is probably too much music in the world, so why must we write so much? He says in his Polish accent, "why I must? I not must? I must not compose for some months, I must think about what I compose." I have been thinking and pondering these statements every day since I've been here. While I don't currently have the luxury to take months off between pieces, I have begun to hone my desires to what matters most to me. I am trying to simplify my output to fewer pieces that will be much more polished and founded in what I believe is most important. I'm starting to see that when I do this, I can create pieces that will help forward my career, but will not be written for that purpose alone. I have had a great time composing some new choral pieces for our choir in Warsaw with the sole purpose to write what I want to hear, what is deeply meaningful to me. I have been very excited at Paweł's reaction to these pieces. I have also had several conductor's who are suddenly very happy to receive my music and perform it with their choirs.

Well, I don't know if this means anything to any of the readers of this blog, but I am finally feeling like I'm discovering who I am as a composer. So, thank you Paweł. I'm so pleased to be working with you both as a student and a colleague in our choir. I'm very excited for the projects and months that lay ahead of us and the continued personal discovery that I hope to achieve.